Of course, we learn to fake good in our families and social groups. The skills for self-glossing are forged in our families and reinforced in our communities. Do these four “rules” sound familiar, even if you’ve never heard them spoken out loud?
Rule # 1: Don’t have anything wrong with you.
Rule # 2: If you do, get over it quickly.
Rule # 3: If you can’t get over it quickly, fake it.
Rule # 4: If you can’t get over it quickly or fake it, stay away from me because I don’t want anyone to think I have it too.
This is perfectionism manufactured into a carnival mirror that distorts our view of our own self, our faults, our foibles and our weaknesses. These rules describe much of what goes on in an alcoholic family. Self-medication is needed because they just don’t work. The same rules, ironically, function in many churches and seminaries, and explain the bizarre practice of disfellowshipping–voting off the island–people who were up until that moment considered family.
The most flummoxing part of these rules is that they are not written down anywhere and are never spoken. But, in dysfunctional families and groups everyone somehow knows them by heart, and complies with them without thinking.
I think people have coping and defensive strategies which are modeled by our families, honed over time, and oftentimes perpetuated by society. They are heavy chains which take patience,, reflection, and most of all, forgiveness,, to break free.
Suzanne, I think you said much better and more concisely what I was trying to say. Thank you.
On this I will say that some people dont want to be the black sheep!
It takes courage and a lot of responsibilities to say “No” I disagree !