Last updated on January 31, 2024
No one has a simply sweet life. Most trauma survivors have problems that others see as too complex, too hard to understand, too messy to deal with. What others think of us is sometimes none of our business because they have not been through what we have been through, and they don’t understand it.
The truth is BEHAVIOR MAKES SENSE. That is, if we really understood what someone has lived through, then how they are acting would be completely understandable to us. Messy? Yes, and complicated too. Maybe only a god could really make sense of us and accept us like this, but I can at least try to be a little more humble in my assessment of others, a little less harsh in my judgment of them, a little more patient in trying to understand them, a little more kind in my assessment, a little less shallow in looking at how things appear instead of taking the time and effort and patience to understand what things they say and do really signify.
Maybe you are not ready to be that unconditionally accepting of the flaws of other people, so how about trying it on yourself first? What if you completely accepted yourself as a person with a lot of problems and flaws as well as a person with some good qualities and promise? What if you stopped feeling ashamed of what you have done, habits you have and quirks you carry? What if you told yourself, “My behavior makes sense. I act this way for a reason, and “If they only knew what I’ve been through, they would get me instead of judging me”?
What if, for a moment, you said hey, the road goes a long way back behind me. I would not gladly again choose to go through some of those things, trust some of those people nor do many of the things that I did. But, that is now water over the bridge…uh…water over the dam and under the bridge (well, let’s face it, a lot of things in our past can feel very overwhelming, like floodwaters swamping a bridge).
Life is a play you can’t rehearse. Sometimes it just comes at you too fast. Sometimes other people hurt you bad. Sometimes you let yourself and others down. 20-20 hindsight doesn’t help do anything other than cultivate shame or guilty gazing at your own behavioral belly button.
Today, I am going to forgive myself and accept myself as I am, without shame, guilt or self-condemnation. I’m going to try to accept myself like God accepts me. I’m not going to worry about what other people may think or say or do. Yes, I have fallen down many times, but today I choose to get up and start walking anew. There are lots of places yet to travel, things to see and people to meet. When I fall down, I’m going to get right back up and keep going, even if everyone can see me limp.
And, I am going to remember that all the help of heaven is with me and following after me: “Surely, my goodness and my mercy will follow you all the days of your life” (God, Psalm 23).
Thanks for the shout out, Brian. I could write a whole post in response. I don’t conceptualize trauma survivors as “having problems.” I’m aware that we all have problems, but in this case it adds a layer of shame and takes away from the point I was trying to make. I would widen the scope to talk of all of humanity, our aversion to pain, and the courage it takes to walk in hard places.
Julie, that is a helpful approach. I am a big opponent of labeling and the damage it causes, and I’ll try to be sensitive for this with others. I appreciate your insight as a skilled care giver sharing the healing arts with those who hurt so badly. Keep it coming! To fully respond, it will take at least three more coming entries on labeling (“J.A.R. Disease”), the difference–in Alcoholics Anonymous lingo–between “admittance” and “acceptance” (although you could say this whole project is about me moving from the first to the second), and “The Four Rules of a Dysfunctional Family (and most churches).” Did I share the 4 Rules before? #1 is “Don’t have anything wrong with you!” As a recovering perfectionist that rule is enemy number 1. To say of myself that I have “problems” and that I “failed” can actually be a healing thing. My rewired rule 1 for myself is this: “I am a person with persistent problems, deep character flaws and prone to fail and flop.” ….this then ties into “rule 2″….more later. / Thoughts?
I can hear your wrestling and finding what works for you. I’m sure you will be unpacking it further in future posts!
These three are actually long term, highly developed coping skills and mechanisms, a part of my “emotional sports wheelchair.” More later.
All the help of heaven is with me and following after me. Yet God allows me to work through this murky path at the pace I need to for today. Sometimes I would rather be just miraculously healed of the pain…but then, would I recognise those roots sneaking back into my being？ Those that hold me immobile ？I am uncovering shame that I tried to bury but instead I incorporated into the fabric of my being. Maybe those threads need to be plucked out. It is a process. Which is me, which is the me I tried to be？
Wow, Ruth. You write beautifully, powerfully, poignantly. Thank you for sharing this insight and your gift here. Did I post “Ruts in My Road” yet? I think of two kinds of rutsin my being (parallel to your metaphor of threads and roots):
1. The chariot ruts in the Roman road of my character are not going away any time soon. They are not just permanent scars. They are continual reminders of the well-worn path I was on for so long that I EASILY go back to and get tripped up on if I am not paying attention, get stressed out or just lose my way. If I just start wandering around I will 100% hit that rut with my bike tire and flop on the ground. I have to live with focus, joy and intentionality if I want to keep from tripping and stay on my feet.
2. The ruts that tires make in mud. Sometimes they are wet. Sometimes they dry and harden. When they are wet we lose traction. When they dry out, they can be more treacherous than roman chariot ruts. The chariot ruts have been there a long time and are always in the same place so they are known. The mud can move (though it is usually in the same low spot), and the hardened mud ruts can have sharp or high ridges that catch my bicycle tire more easily and flop me down. The great news about these kinds of ruts is that the next ran can make them easy to smooth out (and if the rain is hard enough it smooths them out).
“Heavenly Father, help me thine to be! You let the rain fall on the good and the bad so let the rain fall down on me!” (Larry Norman)