Last updated on January 31, 2024
I no longer wake up at 2am like I am running for my life like I used to. (See “The Long Hard Road” first entry if you don’t know what I mean).
For a long time, I used to think I could avoid this or fix me. Then, bam, I’m shot out of a cannon at 2am and I have to deal with it. It reminds me of that scene in the movie “Groundhog Day” where Bill Murray wakes up over and over at 6am to a an obnoxious radio DJ on his clock radio, who then plays that sappy Sonny & Cher song, “I Got You, Babe.”
The picture above is of a 2000 year old Roman road made of stones. The two grooves were cut there by chariot wheels, worn in by countless chariots and wagons passing by day after day, year after year, decade after decade for hundreds of years.
Some of our problems and traumas are like this. If you were traumatized over many months and years as a child, your behavioral, mental and emotional ruts may be very deep indeed and criss cross all over the place (some professionals even name it “complex trauma” or develomental trauma). But, a significant, intense horror like witnessing violence or murder or war, or experiencing rape or abuse can imprint such ruts deep and quick.
I have two kinds of ruts in my road: permanent, deeply worn grooves, and more transient, more easily removable grooves:
1. One kind, is the chariot ruts in the Roman road of my character that are not going away any time soon. They are not just permanent scars. They are continual reminders of the well-worn path I was on for so long that I EASILY go back to and get tripped up on if I am not paying attention, get stressed out or just lose my way. If I just start wandering around I will 100% hit that rut with my bike tire and flop on the ground. I have to live with focus, joy and intentionality if I want to keep from tripping and stay on my feet.
2. The other kind is more like the ruts that bike tires make in mud when you ride through. Sometimes they are wet. Sometimes they dry and harden. When they are wet we lose traction. When they dry out, they can be more treacherous than Roman chariot ruts. The chariot ruts have been there a long time and are always in the same place so they are known. The mud can move (though it is usually in the same low spot), and the hardened mud ruts can have sharp or high ridges that catch my bicycle tire more easily and flop me down. The great news about these kinds of ruts is that the next rain can make them easy to smooth out and IF the rain is hard enough it smooths them out all by itself.
“Heavenly Father, help me thine to be. You let the rain fall on the good and the bad so let the rain fall down on me.” (Larry Norman)
Brian, I read your description of how you wake up at 2AM with the pounding feeling in your chest, and immediately. thought “Atrial fibrillation”. I spent most of my life with this quaking, pounding (and totally exhausting) thing. Only about 10 years ago it was finally diagnosed and treated. It still happens a few times a year, but nothing like before . Yes, stress (good and bad) brings it on for me. All other facts and factors of your life are, of course, very important, but a physiological cause should be ruled out.
Hi Florence, I’m glad you discovered that, and it is a good reminder that many symptoms are physiological with physical causes. In my case, my heart ticker is strong and my issue was a trauma response. Gratefully, it has dramatically reduced now and I haven’t experienced it in several years.
Dear Friend,
I recognize weariness, I’m still there. You know this verse: “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2 Corinthians 12:10 NIV
https://www.bible.com/111/2co.12.10.niv
Christ said he came for the sick, and oh how we need our Lord Jesus! Many times I’ve asked the Lord to take m to his heavenly home, but he hasn’t yet, so I persevere. Thank you so much for sharing your deepest hurts so that we all can learn and grow and not be ashamed. Humility is a hard, yet beautiful thing when shared with kind heart friends and family. ❤️
Hi Laura, I’m just getting back to working on this writing. I have about 30 entries written that I never posted, but I’m determined to get on with it now. At the moment, I feel refreshed and determined. Along with 2 Corinthians 12 you cite above, I find 2 Corinthians 4 a favorite that still commands my attention. I especially like the end of the chapter and find it lifts my heart and mind: “So we do not focus on what we see and experience but on what we don’t see and hope for. What we see and experience is temporary and will end soon. What we don’t yet see and hope for is permanent and will last forever.”