self-acceptance – What Is Wrong With You?

The reason radical self-acceptance is so essential to staying on the path to humble self-honesty is that there can be so many voices around us that make it sound like it is unacceptable to be who we really are, faults and all.

The question that inspired the title of this entry and the address of this website came from a student who was in a class I was teaching years ago. It was more of a declaration than a question: what is WRONG with you!?! She barely knew anything about me, but she wasn’t used to someone who had turned his back on faking good.

One absolute rule of dysfunctional families is this: don’t have anything wrong with you. This absolute command drives self-honesty away, and fuels denial and self-deception. We are groomed to fake good, pretend and rationalize and excuse inexcusable things around us.

The story of the emperor’s new clothes is a metaphor about this dynamic. Everyone pretends the emperor is not naked in his imaginary “new clothes,” and they go out of their way to fake good with him. The little boy who says, “You’re naked!” violates the most important command of faking good and punctures the lie by simply stating the obvious.

Many of us grew up in such dysfunctional families where the first and great command is “Don’t have anything wrong with you!” Many communities and churches and groups are formed around this same unspoken command that everyone conforms to and upholds.

Radical self-acceptance and humble self-honesty free us from this oppressive command, and free us from the pressure that can be brought to bear on us by the scowling eye and sharp tongue and constant condemnation of those still faking good around us.

What is wrong with me? A lot, probably more than is worth taking time to talk about. How about discovering first what is good about me? I have some charming and redeemable features that can be quickly learned. 🙂

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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost’s poem, “The Road Not Taken” [click on title to see full poem]

Admitting our faults to ourselves, to others—to God—is a powerful tool of healing and self-transformation. It is not easy to chase the darkness from your soul, but light kills darkness instantaneously. The Good Book puts it this way: “If we admit our faults, God is sure to help us heal and become clear and clean. If we say we have no faults, we deceive ourselves” (very rough paraphrase of 1 John 1:9).

Alcoholics Anonymous is built on this principal, no small thing when we observe 90% of alcoholics who are recovering are doing it through AA’s powerful principles and practice. Admittance, self-honesty to another person, is crucial.

It is the “road less traveled,” and often not taken. But, there is much to commend it as a path to a healthier self. Here are four principles in the direction of self-honesty and admittance:

(1) We all have faults, foibles and weaknesses.

(2) Some problems are not easily overcome, and many of us will limp through life walking, but still limping.

(3) We do better honestly facing and embracing ourselves and our problems.

(4) Learning to accept and be patient with other broken, limping people teaches us to be more patient and realistic with ourselves.

We all probably have heard the saying, “Confession is good for the soul.” Truer words were never spoken.

Tag: self-acceptance

08 “What is WRONG with you?!!!”

06 Admittance: A Road Less Traveled By?