denial – What Is Wrong With You?

Of course, we learn to fake good in our families and social groups. The skills for self-glossing are forged in our families and reinforced in our communities. Do these four “rules” sound familiar, even if you’ve never heard them spoken out loud?

Rule # 1: Don’t have anything wrong with you.

Rule # 2: If you do, get over it quickly.

Rule # 3: If you can’t get over it quickly, fake it.

Rule # 4: If you can’t get over it quickly or fake it, stay away from me because I don’t want anyone to think I have it too.

This is perfectionism manufactured into a carnival mirror that distorts our view of our own self, our faults, our foibles and our weaknesses. These rules describe much of what goes on in an alcoholic family. Self-medication is needed because they just don’t work. The same rules, ironically, function in many churches and seminaries, and explain the bizarre practice of disfellowshipping–voting off the island–people who were up until that moment considered family.

The most flummoxing part of these rules is that they are not written down anywhere and are never spoken. But, in dysfunctional families and groups everyone somehow knows them by heart, and complies with them without thinking.

3 Comments

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost’s poem, “The Road Not Taken” [click on title to see full poem]

Admitting our faults to ourselves, to others—to God—is a powerful tool of healing and self-transformation. It is not easy to chase the darkness from your soul, but light kills darkness instantaneously. The Good Book puts it this way: “If we admit our faults, God is sure to help us heal and become clear and clean. If we say we have no faults, we deceive ourselves” (very rough paraphrase of 1 John 1:9).

Alcoholics Anonymous is built on this principal, no small thing when we observe 90% of alcoholics who are recovering are doing it through AA’s powerful principles and practice. Admittance, self-honesty to another person, is crucial.

It is the “road less traveled,” and often not taken. But, there is much to commend it as a path to a healthier self. Here are four principles in the direction of self-honesty and admittance:

(1) We all have faults, foibles and weaknesses.

(2) Some problems are not easily overcome, and many of us will limp through life walking, but still limping.

(3) We do better honestly facing and embracing ourselves and our problems.

(4) Learning to accept and be patient with other broken, limping people teaches us to be more patient and realistic with ourselves.

We all probably have heard the saying, “Confession is good for the soul.” Truer words were never spoken.

Tag: denial

09 The 4 Rules of Dysfunctional Familes

06 Admittance: A Road Less Traveled By?