Month: February 2024

11 J.A.R. Disease

Published by Brian on February 25, 2024

Sometimes we have no idea what is wrong with us.

When I lived in Kentucky I had dinner at the home of a veterinarian. Her practice was based mostly on seeing horses, dogs and cats. I asked her, “What is the most common problem you see in your practice?” Without hesitating she said, “J.A.R. disease?” I had no idea what that was so of course I asked, “What is J.A.R. disease?” In her winsome Kentucky accent she replied with a smile, “Something Just Ain’t Right.”

A lot of times we meet someone else and it occurs to us there is something amiss. A lot of times, we meet their family and that explains a lot. But, often we just can’t know–and maybe they don’t know what is wrong either.

I went through a significant part of my life not really understanding the complex trauma I had experienced, and how it affected me. I really had no idea what happened in my brain when some threat triggered those past traumas. Something wasn’t right–I just had no idea.

Accepting myself as I am and accepting others as they are–not as we should be–is our best, regular posture toward ourselves and other people as we pass through this world on this journey. Not everything is knowable, but everyone is deserving of love, care and acceptance.

Not everything is quickly fixable or quickly knowable. Some problems from our past and their effects on us now remain elusive and opaque, and some healing may remain upon our grasp for a good long time. It’s okay. God accepts as I am, not as I should be. I want to accept myself and you this way too.

10 Four Antidotes to the 4 Dysfunctional Rules?

Published by Brian on February 4, 2024

#1 Everyone limps a little and few have a simply sweet life. It is okay to have struggles, problems and face-plant failures–this is the common human experience.

#2 Healing takes time, and some things take a long, long time to heal. Some people get over deep trauma and bad failures quickly; some take years to overcomes wounds and breaks.

#3 It is okay to walk with a limp, and not try to fake it. If we accept ourselves as we are and not as we should be, then we are where we are, we are what we are and we live inside our own skin the way it is.

#4 Hang on to those around you, warts and all. Accept them as they are, not as they should be. There is grace by association and healing among accepting friends.

*****

Some comments on the 4 Antidotes above:

#1 Being a recovering perfectionist is way freer and way more fun that being a compulsive perfectionist who has to have it all together. Life is easier, we learn a lot more and we’re more likeable when we like ourselves as we are. Maybe related is this factoid: children learn language(s) way quicker than adults because they are not afraid to make mistakes trying. Adults have much slower new language acquisition because they are self-conscious about making mistakes.

#2 “Get over it quickly” (Dysfunctional Rule #2) is for people whose solution is submersion of their true selves, denial of what has really happened, pretending everything is okay when it is not. They expend a LOT of psychic energy suppressing things instead of letting them come to the surface. Some people do just quit smoking the day they decide to do so, yes, but almost everyone else has to quit an average of seven times to actually, finally quit smoking (maybe). Alcoholics and other addicts who have learned to overcome do so by acknowledging the problem is not yet solved no matter how long they have been at it: they are “recovering addicts” not “recovered addicts.” Ask any of them–the distinction is important to their ongoing healing. Some things take a long time to heal. Often scars will remain.

#3 “Fake it if you can’t get over it” (Dysfunctional Rule #3). What a dark place to live, in dishonesty and shame.

#4 Much power of a “Twelve Step Group” like AA or Gamblers Anonymous is finding a group of others who not only accept you as you are, but really understand the struggles and failures you face because they face them also. Group honesty is powerful, when combined with tenacious and relentless acceptance and tender and gracious care and commitment to stay walking together with one another, no matter how rough the road gets, no matter how hard a bump in that road one of you may hit.

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09 The 4 Rules of Dysfunctional Familes

Published by Brian on February 4, 2024

Of course, we learn to fake good in our families and social groups. The skills for self-glossing are forged in our families and reinforced in our communities. Do these four “rules” sound familiar, even if you’ve never heard them spoken out loud?

Rule # 1: Don’t have anything wrong with you.

Rule # 2: If you do, get over it quickly.

Rule # 3: If you can’t get over it quickly, fake it.

Rule # 4: If you can’t get over it quickly or fake it, stay away from me because I don’t want anyone to think I have it too.

This is perfectionism manufactured into a carnival mirror that distorts our view of our own self, our faults, our foibles and our weaknesses. These rules describe much of what goes on in an alcoholic family. Self-medication is needed because they just don’t work. The same rules, ironically, function in many churches and seminaries, and explain the bizarre practice of disfellowshipping–voting off the island–people who were up until that moment considered family.

The most flummoxing part of these rules is that they are not written down anywhere and are never spoken. But, in dysfunctional families and groups everyone somehow knows them by heart, and complies with them without thinking.

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08 “What is WRONG with you?!!!”

Published by Brian on February 4, 2024

The reason radical self-acceptance is so essential to staying on the path to humble self-honesty is that there can be so many voices around us that make it sound like it is unacceptable to be who we really are, faults and all.

The question that inspired the title of this entry and the address of this website came from a student who was in a class I was teaching years ago. It was more of a declaration than a question: what is WRONG with you!?! She barely knew anything about me, but she wasn’t used to someone who had turned his back on faking good.

One absolute rule of dysfunctional families is this: don’t have anything wrong with you. This absolute command drives self-honesty away, and fuels denial and self-deception. We are groomed to fake good, pretend and rationalize and excuse inexcusable things around us.

The story of the emperor’s new clothes is a metaphor about this dynamic. Everyone pretends the emperor is not naked in his imaginary “new clothes,” and they go out of their way to fake good with him. The little boy who says, “You’re naked!” violates the most important command of faking good and punctures the lie by simply stating the obvious.

Many of us grew up in such dysfunctional families where the first and great command is “Don’t have anything wrong with you!” Many communities and churches and groups are formed around this same unspoken command that everyone conforms to and upholds.

Radical self-acceptance and humble self-honesty free us from this oppressive command, and free us from the pressure that can be brought to bear on us by the scowling eye and sharp tongue and constant condemnation of those still faking good around us.

What is wrong with me? A lot, probably more than is worth taking time to talk about. How about discovering first what is good about me? I have some charming and redeemable features that can be quickly learned. 🙂

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06 Admittance: A Road Less Traveled By?

Published by Brian on February 4, 2024

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost’s poem, “The Road Not Taken” [click on title to see full poem]

Admitting our faults to ourselves, to others—to God—is a powerful tool of healing and self-transformation. It is not easy to chase the darkness from your soul, but light kills darkness instantaneously. The Good Book puts it this way: “If we admit our faults, God is sure to help us heal and become clear and clean. If we say we have no faults, we deceive ourselves” (very rough paraphrase of 1 John 1:9).

Alcoholics Anonymous is built on this principal, no small thing when we observe 90% of alcoholics who are recovering are doing it through AA’s powerful principles and practice. Admittance, self-honesty to another person, is crucial.

It is the “road less traveled,” and often not taken. But, there is much to commend it as a path to a healthier self. Here are four principles in the direction of self-honesty and admittance:

(1) We all have faults, foibles and weaknesses.

(2) Some problems are not easily overcome, and many of us will limp through life walking, but still limping.

(3) We do better honestly facing and embracing ourselves and our problems.

(4) Learning to accept and be patient with other broken, limping people teaches us to be more patient and realistic with ourselves.

We all probably have heard the saying, “Confession is good for the soul.” Truer words were never spoken.

07 Acceptance: Keeping Our Feet on the Road Less Taken

Published by Brian on February 1, 2024

Veterans of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) are familiar with the distinction between admittance and acceptance. Admittance means that I have acknowledged that I have a problem to myself and maybe one or a few others. This step down the road less traveled has a transformative effect.

But there is a normal human tendency to be afraid of others finding out. After all, what will they say about me or do to me if they find out what I really struggle with? So, this invisible court of public opinion keeps us locked in and locked down. Yes admitting a little that we have significant issues feels freeing, but then fear of pushback or putdowns can push us off the path.

That is the difference between “admittance” and “acceptance.” Admittance is acknowledgement you have a problem. Acceptance is not caring who finds out because they will have no leverage over me. Acceptance is a big step forward. Acceptance means that not only do I admit my issues, but I accept myself as someone with these issues. When I come to a place of radical self-acceptance, then public opinion no longer pressures me. It doesn’t matter who finds out what about me, because I accept myself as a person with problems–these particular problems.

The funny thing is that when we try to people-please instead of self-accept, we end up reacting to petty criticisms or even untrue ones. When I came to a better place of acceptance, I could hear unfounded criticism and laugh a bit, acknowledging that I am actually far worse than what they are unfairly criticizing me for. Another benefit of acceptance is that it takes a lot less energy than what it takes to manage and curate your image for real and imagined public expectations.

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